sigh.....its been so long, an eternity passed, yet i still stand blind....

LMAO....just noticed, google ads put up Scientology ads on my blog(when!??!), mebbe I can sue 'em??? ;)

:)

thyultimate: Ever heard of a Tamil Theravadin Zen Buddhist?
Suresh Iyer: no
thyultimate: neither have i
Suresh Iyer: LOL

i want to dance naked under the moon around an intense bonfire, under the stars next to the trees, next to the haunting sounds of the jungle, in the wilderness, in the aliveness in the heart of life itself, with wild drums and wild guitar, i want to lie in my own sweat and blood as i feel pain and the intensity of life, i wanna see the smoke reaching for the moon in a kind of wild mischievous and graceful way

i dont see the point in going on day after day in this mundane society convincing myself of a purpose living the same mechanical life over and over again, as days go by i look back and i see a blank void that fills my heart
i look in the mirror reflecting my own glorious madness , the boiling blood of life and spirit slowly fade away like the dusty embers in a dying fire, the embers heat up again as a gentle wind blows and in sheer desperation they glow for the last time to feel and live once more
to break away from bondages and fly, to be the fire once again that would light for the will to live for the subtle life that flows around
to jump and to run, to fly and to drink from a cool shiny pond

and i lay here stuck in my own mind a sort of golden cage, gold lusting me to stay slowly crippling my wings and the ability to fly away forever

a new madness is taking over me
i don't know where im going what im doing, the whole life looks purposeless and meaning less and yet im scared i feel insecure, im not sure if i hate or i love, somehow everything is unwanted, its one of those moments when all you want is a fucking gun in your hand so that you can blow your own bloody head off, I cant take it anymore and I am not even sure of what, I want out of this life and just want to die, just lie down and in the cruel cold comfort just pass away, to not exist, to feel no more, to see no more, I cant take it, its just so depressing, either everything around me is insane or i am insane, i dont know the distinction anymore, im scared of myself, im scared of the future, im scared of the past, the present seems to hold no more meaning, its all insane, i want out, i didnt ask for this, at least if i lived in insanity i wish i wouldn't see it, i wish i had thought before the consequences of my actions, i have so many regrets that if i had i choice id never want to be born anymore, i am totally useless and unwanted, life seems so stupid and cruel, why have pain and pity? why have love and lust? why do we wake up every morning and look around and wish people a fucking good morning, why do we bloody wreck our heads over some fucking intellectual kicks? why do i do all this???? lie in bed in front of a fucking computer all day convincing myself that i can make a difference, that i have a meaning, i look pleading in the eyes of friends asking for some condolences for some comfort and all i get back is the same look, nobody can understand, and those who can helplessly look on, i cant understand myself anymore, i cant look in the fucking mirror anymore and be happy, who the fuck am i convincing? what am i trying to do? i have no fucking idea.......I just had enough, I just want out, i wanna leave, i wanna fucking pass away and never come back........
and then i dont have the fucking balls to make the final cut

the misty colors detach themselves from the plane,
they rise and float, an origami of shapes,
redecorating perception, redefining senses,
walking me through realities, hitherto unknown,
sensation disjointed, colors i now hear,
i feel and smell the flashes of sharp contrast,
emotions fly through doors of mental orgasm,
vivid impressions and imagery come and go as i wish,
and then all that there is fades,
no light, no darkness as i float senseless,
a sweet numbness touches me,
rising into the infinite void, I am complete,
with certainty i now know, that i am finally free........

im still working on why man is different from animals so far ive only got upto "man is more destructive" as that agent said in the matrix humans display a behavior more like a virus than like a mammal, i totally agree with him. it seems like no one is really interested anymore in the higher values of love caring and sharing, of humanity...a culture of oneness and togetherness, along with a sense of individuality and respect towards other peoples choices and a universal acceptance of all kinds of behavior, rather than a society of cruelty and enforced rules, a society whose culture is making more money criticizing everyone else standing to pathetically lame beliefs, with amazing narrow mindedness nobody seems to realize that they are ALL going to die someday!!!!!!

I wanna go......ASAP!!!

Vivek
lolz

babes this oct i pass 12th (atleast attempt to do so) and im joining call centre next month ....then off to NEPAL!!!!!!!!!

YOHAOOOOAHAOP

marie.markarian

what the fuck.. you're not continuing studies?

Vivek

wish i had 4k now i leave in 15mins :P

well im passing 12th

then i really dont care where life takes me

marie.markarian

life is what you make.

don't be a jerk and waste time ok :)

Vivek

i MAY come back in 15days or never at all

hell whats wasting time??

u think trying to earn money after spending half of ur life reading tect books u could never even care about isnt wasting time?

i think that qualifies for wasting time more than tripping in himalayas does

marie.markarian

yeah whatever.

go be a loser.

:)

Vivek

lol

define a loser

:|

if its a person who doesnt give a fuck and wants to leave all the chaos and be peaceful is a loser the i proudly am

marie.markarian

what chaos my dear? :)

Vivek

and ironically enough i dont even know if im wake up tommorow hence i think life takes u...u just choose to tag along

hmm.....not chaos

more like restrictions

more like society

which sucks

hmm

i dont want to leave here

i just want to be some place else

and thats nepal

i wanna be a free bird

marie.markarian

you already are a free bird dumbo... freedom is not in your actions.

Vivek

thats true

but i cant yet live that knowledge

marie.markarian

yeah I am not a hippie you got a problem with that?

Vivek

welll u know the world is an illusion then why do u still do kriya??

marie.markarian

you are living it. you freely are making a choice of not living it,

it's your free will that chose it.

Vivek

because its just intellect telling u havent experienced it