Friday, February 8, 2008

i want to dance naked under the moon around an intense bonfire, under the stars next to the trees, next to the haunting sounds of the jungle, in the wilderness, in the aliveness in the heart of life itself, with wild drums and wild guitar, i want to lie in my own sweat and blood as i feel pain and the intensity of life, i wanna see the smoke reaching for the moon in a kind of wild mischievous and graceful way

i dont see the point in going on day after day in this mundane society convincing myself of a purpose living the same mechanical life over and over again, as days go by i look back and i see a blank void that fills my heart
i look in the mirror reflecting my own glorious madness , the boiling blood of life and spirit slowly fade away like the dusty embers in a dying fire, the embers heat up again as a gentle wind blows and in sheer desperation they glow for the last time to feel and live once more
to break away from bondages and fly, to be the fire once again that would light for the will to live for the subtle life that flows around
to jump and to run, to fly and to drink from a cool shiny pond

and i lay here stuck in my own mind a sort of golden cage, gold lusting me to stay slowly crippling my wings and the ability to fly away forever

Saturday, February 2, 2008

a new madness is taking over me
i don't know where im going what im doing, the whole life looks purposeless and meaning less and yet im scared i feel insecure, im not sure if i hate or i love, somehow everything is unwanted, its one of those moments when all you want is a fucking gun in your hand so that you can blow your own bloody head off, I cant take it anymore and I am not even sure of what, I want out of this life and just want to die, just lie down and in the cruel cold comfort just pass away, to not exist, to feel no more, to see no more, I cant take it, its just so depressing, either everything around me is insane or i am insane, i dont know the distinction anymore, im scared of myself, im scared of the future, im scared of the past, the present seems to hold no more meaning, its all insane, i want out, i didnt ask for this, at least if i lived in insanity i wish i wouldn't see it, i wish i had thought before the consequences of my actions, i have so many regrets that if i had i choice id never want to be born anymore, i am totally useless and unwanted, life seems so stupid and cruel, why have pain and pity? why have love and lust? why do we wake up every morning and look around and wish people a fucking good morning, why do we bloody wreck our heads over some fucking intellectual kicks? why do i do all this???? lie in bed in front of a fucking computer all day convincing myself that i can make a difference, that i have a meaning, i look pleading in the eyes of friends asking for some condolences for some comfort and all i get back is the same look, nobody can understand, and those who can helplessly look on, i cant understand myself anymore, i cant look in the fucking mirror anymore and be happy, who the fuck am i convincing? what am i trying to do? i have no fucking idea.......I just had enough, I just want out, i wanna leave, i wanna fucking pass away and never come back........
and then i dont have the fucking balls to make the final cut