a new madness is taking over me
i don't know where im going what im doing, the whole life looks purposeless and meaning less and yet im scared i feel insecure, im not sure if i hate or i love, somehow everything is unwanted, its one of those moments when all you want is a fucking gun in your hand so that you can blow your own bloody head off, I cant take it anymore and I am not even sure of what, I want out of this life and just want to die, just lie down and in the cruel cold comfort just pass away, to not exist, to feel no more, to see no more, I cant take it, its just so depressing, either everything around me is insane or i am insane, i dont know the distinction anymore, im scared of myself, im scared of the future, im scared of the past, the present seems to hold no more meaning, its all insane, i want out, i didnt ask for this, at least if i lived in insanity i wish i wouldn't see it, i wish i had thought before the consequences of my actions, i have so many regrets that if i had i choice id never want to be born anymore, i am totally useless and unwanted, life seems so stupid and cruel, why have pain and pity? why have love and lust? why do we wake up every morning and look around and wish people a fucking good morning, why do we bloody wreck our heads over some fucking intellectual kicks? why do i do all this???? lie in bed in front of a fucking computer all day convincing myself that i can make a difference, that i have a meaning, i look pleading in the eyes of friends asking for some condolences for some comfort and all i get back is the same look, nobody can understand, and those who can helplessly look on, i cant understand myself anymore, i cant look in the fucking mirror anymore and be happy, who the fuck am i convincing? what am i trying to do? i have no fucking idea.......I just had enough, I just want out, i wanna leave, i wanna fucking pass away and never come back........
and then i dont have the fucking balls to make the final cut